Peace begins when expectation ends...

This quote from Sri Chinmoy so simply sums up a lot for me. All interactions I have on a daily basis, all activities I engage in, and really, anything at all that I do can either be accepted as they are and allow me to live a life of peace or can be the cause of suffering because they don’t meet my expectations.

Expectations. Most of us have them. We have expectations on other people (wanting them to respond in a certain way or give us a hug or do something for us). We have expectations on how a certain event might go and when it doesn’t it can ruin it for us (we wanted the day to be fine and sunny and instead it’s windy and a bit rainy or maybe the train ride to work took longer as the train broke down). Or it could be bigger things like a trip we’ve planned out and really looked forward to isn’t what we thought it would be (the airplane got diverted through a different country, or our luggage got delayed and arrived two days late, or the hotel wasn’t quite what we had in mind or there were too many other tourists at everything we wanted to do).

The emotions that are triggered through all these seemingly “bad” experiences all stem from the expectations that we had. How would it be if we didn’t have expectations on how those moments would turn out? What if we just accepted that sometimes public transport breaks down and see an opportunity to read the kindle for longer on the trip, or accepting that the sunny lunchtime walk with a friend instead could turn into lunch in a café, or that overseas trip…how about just accept all those ‘annoyances’ as all part of the adventure and take each moment as it comes and approach the trip with openness and acceptance. How much more joy and wonder you would experience without preconceived ideas and expectations on what it might be like? The outcome is the same whether or not we get annoyed at the inconveniences, because we can’t control what happens, but we can choose to approach each experience without expectation and therefore suffer no disappointment or anger or frustration.

How many arguments start because someone had an opinion they were attached to and we expected a different outcome? Or the sadness that is felt when you break up with someone or a friendship is lost because of attachment to the expectation that things would always stay the same?

Placing expectations on people is going to lead to problems and suffering! People are not predictable and are constantly changing. Being attached to the idea of how a person should behave or act or remaining attached to what you once had, or what you dream of the relationship being all leads to suffering.

Years ago, I became aware of the downfall of placing expectations on others and the consequent pain and suffering that can occur when a friend said to me that I was upset because I wasn’t getting the response I wanted and was expecting something else. While it wasn’t nice to hear, it quickly dawned on me that yes, he was right! It was my attachment to expecting a certain response or outcome and not getting it that caused my suffering – not him or the response that he gave me.

These days, while I am not free of putting expectations on others, I am certainly aware of the emotions such as disappointment or anger or sadness that kick in when I am unconsciously doing it and they serve as a really good reminder to remove my expectation of wanting a different outcome or response! I know that these feelings can stop with me as I have no control over what someone else says or does or doesn’t do. To end the need to control and therefore taking an approach of non-attachment allows me freedom, it allows the other person their freedom, and it leads to a stronger, healthier, unconditional relationship that is full of trust and care.

It should be noted though, that non-attachment is not the same as non-engagement – it’s not about being indifferent or apathetic to another person or when engaging in an activity (and these are behaviours that I can sometimes fall into, so it takes awareness to bring myself back into the present moment). In fact, through non-attachment you can be fully present and engaged and exist in the moment. 

How I practice non-attachment and let go of expectations…

·        Don’t get attached to an expectation or image. This doesn’t mean we can’t still dream big, practice creative visualization to attract what we want in life, or meditate on how we might like to live life better - just don’t get attached where it becomes unhealthy or an obsession.

·        I take a walk in nature or get my fingers in the earth of my herb garden. By bringing my physical senses into the now (and sometimes I go through a little mantra of “what can I see”, “what can I hear”, “what can I feel”, “what can I touch”) this allows me to focus on me and my energy and brings me out of my head. When I am feeling stronger within myself, then I am less likely to place expectations on others.

·        I find a guided meditation to help me let go or to release any energy blocks. I like ones that are about 30 minutes long so I get to a really good relaxed place and then can allow my mind to switch off to the chatter and cleanse my mind to where I feel I can start afresh.

·        I become aware of emotional reactions when I have interactions with others…partner, friends, colleagues, or strangers or when going about my day. If you find yourself judging or criticizing or feeling jealous or irritated or any other strong reaction…first acknowledge it and thank it for reminding you of the attachment you have (I tend to smile to myself because I have caught myself out), then I do a little deeper investigation on why I might have been triggered in this way and remind myself I can’t control anyone and to allow them their freedom. If the answer comes I acknowledge it and this is usually enough to change the way I react in future. If nothing comes, I move on. There will be plenty more reminders ;)

Peace begins when expectations end.