Losing the plot on this parenting lark...

It's been interesting to me, to notice quite a dramatic change in our family dynamics, the dynamics between the kids and their general demeaner since starting school. While I initially "blamed" school for all this disruption and out-of-kilter behaviour, I also realised that I hadn't moved with the times nor switched my way of dealing with the kids.

Whether it was due to being time-scheduled to be places on time, coordinating different things we wanted to do, or just generally hanging out around the house, I have really been noticing an imbalance going on.

The kids were squabbling more (they went from the occasional niggle that they'd problem solve and sort out themselves), to full-on squabbling, yelling, and grumping what felt like ALL THE TIME. And of course, I was then responding in kind by also raising my voice and grumping back at them. Whoa!

So, we sat down with the kids a few weekends ago and had a bit of a chat about how they were feeling about the constant disharmony and anger that was going on. I asked if they'd noticed that they didn't play easily or solve problems a lot anymore. When it turned into "but, N/D does this/that" I questioned them whether blaming the other was really solving the problem? We discussed personal responsibility. They got it (or rather, remembered). I had suggested, instead of one waiting for the other to get started (getting dressed/helping dry dishes/tidying up toys/put shoes on/feed the chickens), that they just do what is required because they know that it's the right thing to do or because it's something that needs to be done for themselves or the family. Don't focus on the other person or what they're doing - the competition and comparing was driving me (and them I'm sure) nuts. It was almost immediate the way that they could reframe their approach and attitude. Of course, it will take a little work on our part to ensure that we also respectfully deal with them, have patience, listen, help problem solve rather than dictate, and get more into-the-moment with them again.

None of this is new to me, but gosh, it can be hard work to maintain and remember when the situation changes drastically. I guess I just hadn't caught up with the changes that school life had brought to our family, and it got to a bit of a critical point for me to realise that we all needed a refresher course in finding a better way forward. After an online discussion about this exact topic a week or so ago, it really all started to come clear what needed to be done (and realise that most people hit the wall occasionally on where and how to go forward, no matter their parenting style).

I pulled out The Parents Tao Te Ching again and had a wee read. I liked this one - although our parenting philosophy is already based on no rewards or punishment, I needed the reminder to guide without controlling.

You can control your children
through threats and punishments
and they will learn to fear.
You can control their behaviour
by praise and reward
and they will learn to look outside themselves
for approval and for worth.
You can watch over their every movement,
every action, every decision,
making sure they do it "right",
and they will learn to always
doubt themselves.
Or you can love and guide
without controlling and interfering
and they will learn to trust themselves.

::~::

We've had a lovely week, and noticed a lot of positive changes all round.